 Not going to lie I’m a bit rusty... I went from consistently writing weekly to nothing at all. I’ll own it I definitely put the ball down and walked away but I’m excited to put some ink to paper, digitally. I’ve truly missed it, I got a lot out of writing and got a lot out of hearing feedback and that people enjoyed some parts of what I’ve done. Not in a cocky/arrogant way that it fueled my ego but that I felt a sense of fulfillment that had been missing. I can remember a time when I wasn’t looking for ways to give back because I was so caught up in my own stuff that I felt too overwhelmed to help others. Or that I was somehow inauthentic if I was to share when I didn’t have all of my shit together. To be honest most of my positive feedback was when I shared not only what I was going through and that I didn’t have the answers but that it was OK to be that way.
This platform gave me the opportunity to sort out my thoughts and figure some stuff out that had caught me in a pattern of being stuck. And what I’ve learned about myself is that I need to be risking and stretching to feel fulfilled. And when I’m not I’m in my head and not helping myself or anyone else. I’m not the best version of who I can be and that’s thing I got to let go. One, I’m not perfect… no one is and yes I’m going to fall off and be down but giving myself a break and realizing that even the shitty stuff that happens brings me to where I’m at when I am feeling powerful and fulfilled. I literally spent the last year in such deep reflection and risk it’s crazy the amount of things that have happened for me and what I was able to create. I literally spent 9 months going through two leadership programs, once as a student and once as a coach. I made an improv team and performed a handful of times over a few months. I got hired for the perfect position for where I want to take my career. I get to learn how to support companies grow at same time growing the company I work for and do this with amazingly talented people. I learned about how I show up in relationships in all aspects of life and have made some of the deepest connections I’ve ever had. I’ve traveled back home and got to appreciate every moment with my roots and family. By no means were things perfect along the way. Did I feel like I was failing at times? Yes. Did I fuck up? Yes. Did I make mistakes? Yes. Did I cause heartache or hurt relationships with my actions or words? Yes. Did I doubt myself? Yes. All the things that happened before this time happened again. There was no magic pill or switch where I became completely enlightened. What did happen was growth just like going to the gym, my mental biceps were popping and I felt good about where I was and am at. I got to see the type of person I could become to get that stuff done. That was the reward. I knew I worked hard for what I created and giving myself credit was and is a challenge. I’m learning to celebrate the big and small wins because the “nothing will ever be good enough” pattern doesn’t serve me. I can tap into that to keep me motivated but I won’t enjoy my journey. There’s too much tension and I’m not being flexible when stuff comes up that’s outside of my control. I’ve learned to be flexible but still have direction. So I guess what’s the point of this and where am I going? I’m not sure yet. I’m hoping that this supports at least one person in their life currently. Whatever that looks like I’m not attached. I just know that I’ve spent a ton of time working on myself and supporting others and from that I have a lot to offer. Not comparing me to others saying I’m better or worse but I took a break to decompress and now I’m in a spot where I can and want to give back through either writing or listening or giving guidance. So I wouldn’t say I’m back to consistently writing but if there’s anyway I can offer support I’m going to try and make that happen more often. And if this isn’t helpful then that’s fine as well. This is as much for me as it is for others. That’s my vision is to be a better version of myself each day so I can give back and that’s the cycle I’d rather be stuck in then in pattern where I’m not fulfilled. Feel free to reach out with comments, feedback, questions. |
